Not Over You

Oh Gavin DeGraw. How I love your music.

As a disclaimer, this is a general topic I've had on my mind for while and I'm going to try really hard not to direct it at anyone in particular.

The words for this song are SO emotionally driven (and it helps that it is so dang catchy as well). As I stood in the shower the other day, I was humming part of the song to myself, and I got to thinking about it:

Dreams, That's Where I Have To Go
To See Your Beautiful Face, Anymore
I Stare At A Picture Of You And Listen To The Radio
Hope, Hope There's A Conversation
Where We Both Admit We Had It Good But
Until Then It's Alienation, I Know, That Much Is Understood

Well, I'm not going to lie- this song is a bit of a downer. It's post-breakup, pre-functioning-in-society-again. But it's so real.

As I was thinking about it, I tried to deny it. I told myself, "nah. There are girls I've fallen for, but that was then. Someone else comes along. They always do."

If You Ask Me How I'm Doin' I Would Say I'm Doin Just Fine
I Would Lie And Say That You're Not On My Mind
But I Go Out And I Sit Down At A Table Set For Two
And Finally I'm Forced To Face The Truth
No Matter What They Say, I'm Not Over You
Not Over You

Oh Gavin. You win. I've never "set a table for two" out somewhere, but I may as well have. And you know what? As much as I want to deny it, I'm still there. Face it, you are too. We all have our own individual "tables" and we keep going back to them.

Why? Why do we get drawn in in such a way that, even if there is no relationship there, we still feel so strongly for someone? I don't know, but I'm going to give it my most optimistic analysis:

I think it's vitally important that those kinds of connections happen, and that they stay. Despite the desire that I would assume most people have felt to be able to sever that bond when the "it's over" comes, I'm afraid that would be the worst possible ability we could possess. Think about it: if a husband had the ability to sever all connection one evening after he and his young wife got in an argument, how would any marriage survive? If a mother quit caring for her son the first time he mischievously ruined a piece of furniture, what young boy would make it to adulthood?

While it's painful (Gavin gets it), I believe that it's a necessary pain. That pain means that you feel, that you connect. I would be more worried for people who can walk away at the end of a meaningful relationship and say, "well, that's over- what now?" I know that that doesn't lessen the pain of the moment, but it does give "hope, hope there's a" future someone you're going to find and because of whom you are going to be SO glad you still have the ability to connect, and to connect for good.

Keep your chin up :)

Seize the Day

I have only seen "Newsies" once, and I was babysitting 4 very active children, so I can't really even say that I have "seen" it. I do remember that it was a fun show though.

This morning, I woke up with probably the only line I know from the show stuck in my head:

"Arise and seize the day"

Usually, I can at least hum along to a bunch of lines that I don't know the words to until the one I do know comes up and I can sing along again briefly. I didn't even have that today. All I could do was hum the tune for those 5 words, pause, and then start again. In that way, it became a mantra of sorts:

Arise and seize the day.

Arise and seize the day.

Arise and seize the day.

Arise and seize the day.

Arise and seize the day.

Arise and seize the day!

And that was how I started my day out today- talk about motivating!!

And you know what? Today has been an incredible day. I don't know if I can distinctly separate what are the wonderful blessings which came out of the blue, and which things happened as I was "seizing" the day. I'm perfectly fine with that, and I'm not going to get bogged down in the deciphering. I've got to get out and live up the rest of this beautiful day!

May today be a day of arising for you as it's been for me!

Meteor Shower

Confession:
I have allowed Owl City to stay on the Pandora station that I listen to most often. And I love it.

I know a bunch of my friends aren't big fans of Owl City, but I am :) A while ago, Meteor Shower was the song that I woke up with in my head. It's really quite a simple song, which I think helped it stick there when I started humming it. The whole song consists of:

I can finally see
That you're right there beside me

I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go
I desperately need you

I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go
I desperately need you

And that's the whole song.

I've been trying to figure out how I wanted to make a post out of this song. I finally realized this week that Easter is this Sunday and this song is a great expression for me of my love for Christ.

This is my first Easter when I feel like I am truly celebrating the Resurrection of Christ. My grandmother passed away two months ago this week. She was is a magnificent woman, and I still miss her. It was difficult for me to say goodbye to her at her funeral, especially since that was the first funeral I have been to since I was 5 or 6. I think it would have been debilitating and so much more painful if I didn't have the faith in The Plan of Salvation centering on Jesus Christ as taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I love Jesus Christ. It doesn't make sense to me how someone who lived 2000 years ago can mean so much to me, but He does. Because of His sacrifice which we celebrated on Friday and the consummation of His work which Easter represents, not only does life continue after death, but I have the assurance that I will one day again get to wrap my arms around my whole, healthy and happy grandma.

The best part is: it's a free gift. There is nothing I could ever do to repay Christ for this gift, and He doesn't even ask for anything from me. As I have sought to make Him an ever-greater part of my life, I have been made new. I am imperfect, and I have things which have held me down and held me back for years. As I have brought them to Christ, He has opened my life and helped me change who I am. When I think of who I was and who I now am, I am excited for what is going to come.

May this Easter be a special one for you as well. Cherish time spent together with your family, because they are one of the greatest gifts you will ever receive here on earth.

Happy Easter

Who Am I?

Somehow, my body has gotten used to the schedule that I pretty much keep 6 days a week, and I've woken up within 3 minutes of 7:19 the last 3 or 4 days in a row, even without my alarm clock. Fortunately (depending how you look at it), I've been staying up late enough that I have been able to go right back to sleep most of the time. Yesterday, for whatever reason, I was awake just long enough to have a few lines of Les Mis run through my head before drifting back off.

From Act I, I had Jean Valjean's voice echoing in my mind:

Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
And must my name until I die
Be no more than an alibi?
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on

Who am I? Who am I?

Interesting that my subconscious should pick this song. If you've been reading for a while, you'll remember that I had a post last fall with this same title. That was before I'd started writing about songs stuck in my head, which is kind of a fun little twist.

My original thought from this song was to go back and rewrite the post from last year to update with who I am today. As I reread it though, I was still very much able to identify myself in those lines. I have experienced quite a bit since then, and have undoubtedly changed in many ways, but I'm still very much me at the core.

I did a little bit of reading about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as I was thinking about this topic. I don't pretend to be a psychology buff, and I know that I have friends who understand this all much better than I do, but I was able to identify a few "deficiency needs" that I could focus more on meeting in order to be happier and better able to approach "being needs".

Combining Maslow with some of the most fundamental things I believe, self-actualization is the motivation placed within each of us to live up to our divine potential. I am more than a "24601", and I'm happiest when I can remember that and try to live up to it.

Who are you?

#1000

Congrats to whoever you are,

You are pageview #1000

Now back to real life :)

'Til I Hear You Sing

It's taken me a couple of days to actually get to writing this post, just been a bit busy.

On Wednesday, Alex and I went to see the filmed showing of "Love Never Dies" performed by the Australian cast last year. I'd seen the show in London during the Summer of 2010 (as chronicled in my blog) I really enjoyed the show when I saw it then, but it really didn't get very good reviews. About 3 months later, they closed the show for some pretty major reworks.

One of the reworks was changing the how the show begins. In stead of a drawn-out reminiscing sequence, it is this song.

If you didn't listen to it, go do so now, please.

Yeah, I've got to say, I love this song.

I couldn't tell you if it is the voice, the music, or the text. They are all so interconnected and beautiful.

The Phantom, Ben Lewis, is fantastic. He does such a good job of playing the phantom. I felt like there was never any doubt that the phantom was crazy in this production, but at the same time, I still felt sympathy for him and wanted to root him on.

The music is beautiful. It's grand and sweeping and enthralling. I felt like it was such a good way to start the show of and make it so clear and real. And, if I'm not mistaken, Ben hits a high Bb there towards the end. Shivers? Yeah, they were there.

The lyrics are what I find the most evocative. There is such a raw longing, that it's tough not to connect with it. And yet, at the same time, there is this twinge of darkness. It's just... not... right. He sings of how he will never feel "more than halfway real" until he has heard her sing again. I think that most of us have felt longing and can empathize with the desire for what we feel like is impossible and unobtainable, but I feel like what makes the difference is how you handle that. For the phantom, the longing has eaten away at him to the point that there is nothing else in his life worthwhile. That's the point where I think you start to understand that something is not right with that man, but you still have this aching hope that he can find what it is that his soul needs. What a compelling contradiction of a character to have as your protagonist.

There are so many other tangents I could write about for this song, but I'll leave it at this and let you make analyses. May 29th can't get here quick enough.

Baking

So, I'm departing from my usual "song-stuck-in-my-head" themed-posts for today. I have a topic that I wanted to write down some thoughts about and I haven't had a song stuck in my head about baking yet.

I was pondering tonight as I was making banana nut cookie dough bread.

(TANGENT! As I was talking with friends at the institute yesterday, somehow, the almost-overripe bananas that I had at home came up in conversation. I expressed my desire to make banana nut bread, but then realized that I don't have any nuts at home. Alex suggested replacing them with chocolate chips, but I also don't have any of those. BETTER! I have chocolate chip cookie dough in my freezer! [I feel like frozen cookie dough is an essential. If I had to make the choice between buying milk and buying cookie dough once I'd run out, I'd be hard pressed to choose] So, the plan was hatched to make some banana cookie dough bread)

:)

Back to my pondering (it was profound pondering, I promise). I have always loved baking. Cooking is enjoyable, and especially when I'm masterminding a meal for a group, but there is something about baking that has always had a special, exalted place in my heart. I used to think it was because baking usually means sweets, and I love sweets. I'm starting to think that there may be more to it than that.

Baking has ingredients.

Please don't laugh too hard at that statement, because it really does embody all the profundity of this post. Allow me to elaborate.

When I made dinner on Sunday, I made lemon pepper chicken and mashed potatoes. The chicken involved sautéing the breast in olive oil with pepper and drizzling lemon juice over it. Fun, but in the end, I was just fancying up a chicken breast. The potatoes were better, I chopped and then boiled them, then got to mash them (one of my favoritest things to do in the kitchen) with spices and cream and milk. That's more than just potatoes, but in the end, it's still potatoes. (Profound, right?)

Ok, so to the point now. Baking. When I started baking this evening, I had bananas on the cusp of overripeness. I had flour. I had eggs. I had sugar. I had baking soda. Sugar would really be the only one I'd eat by itself, and I don't do that nearly as much as I used to. Other than that, each of those ingredients would be pretty disgusting.

It was fascinating to watch though, as I sifted the dry ingredients together, then slowly added in the others, the batter came into being. Suddenly, before my eyes, something delicious was created. I love that.

What a beautiful metaphor that is as well. I like to think that each of us is an ingredient and life is one beautiful baking experiment. Some people are sweeter by nature, some cause those around them to rise, some provide structure, and others decorate. God made each of us individual, and individually, we're each lacking. I think that is why there is an innate drive to connect, to socialize, to love. As we work with each other, great things happen.

On that note, my bread is ready to be pulled out of the oven. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to enjoy the results of a bunch of ingredients becoming banana cookie dough bread :)

Toreador!

En garde!

This morning, I caught myself humming a tune that's an oldie. Oldie in both the sense of when it was written (1845) as well as how long it's been stuck floating around in my head.
Senior year in high school, I decided that I was going to take on a challenge for my audition to the all-region honor choir. My director was fairly brainless so he supported my efforts to learn and sing "Toreador!" from Carmen.
Yeah...
It was kind of a nightmare.
BUT, I loved the song and the chorus is forever implanted in my brain.
Escamillo, the toreador, sings of his profession, bullfighting.
This post isn't going to focus on how disgusting bullfighting is *shudder* but rather on the contest of love that Escamillo is singing of.
The portion that gets stuck in my head starts around 2:15 in the video I linked to above. The text is:

Toreador, en garde! Toreador, Toreador!
Et songe bien, oui, songe en combattant
Qu'un oeil noir te regarde,
Et que l'amour t'attend,
Toreador, L'amour t'attend!
Et songe bien, oui, songe en combattant
Qu'un oeil noir te regarde,
Et que l'amour t'attend,
Toreador, L'amour t'attend!

and the English translation of that would be:

Toreador, en guard! Toreador, Toreador!

And dream away, yes, dream in combat,
That a black eye is watching you,
And that love awaits you,
Toreador, love awaits you!
And dream away, yes dream in combat,
That a black eye is watching you
And may love await you,
Toreador, love await you!

My thoughts for this are a longing for simplicity. Escamillo sings about acts of bravery winning love. I kind of envy how straightforward that world was.

Don't get me wrong, I love living today, and how much quality of life has improved since then, but some times I feel a bit overwhelmed by how much technology has made things. For example:

Let's say I would like to ask a girl out. Here's a sample of how my mental preparation for that could go:

Hmmm... I will see her in passing on Tuesday, but she's always in a hurry then. I could ask her out, but that might be awkward...

How about when I see her at the institute on Thursday. I could ask then...

But that's only a day before the weekend. She'll have plans by then.

Good point... I'll have to try something else.

Lots of people don't really care for electronic communication, but you may have to give that a shot.

I can do that. Let's see, what are my options?

I could call...

Not bad.

I could send a facebook message...

That's kind of chicken.

I could text...

There are girls who'd turn that down on the fact that it was a text asking them out...

Ugh. That's true. I could start with a poke on facebook...

...

Yeah, let's pretend I didn't suggest that one...

Ok. So I'll call. I can do this! I can.

Dialing...

R*i*i*i*i*i*ng

.

.

.

R*i*i*i*i*i*ng

.

.

.

R*i*i*i*i*i*ng

.

(Oh crap. What if she doesn't answer?

are you going to leave a voicemail?

I don't know! Some people refuse to listen to voicemail, but some people prefer it...

.

.

R*i*i*i*i*i*ng

You could just hang up and then she'll see that you called and call back...

but then the ball is completely out of my court.

I don't like that...

.

.

.

"hey, you've reached..."

*CLICK*

Maybe I'll just do some homework this weekend.

So, yeah. I probably over-complicate things and think that the past was a lot simpler than it actually was, but it seems to me that in our efforts to improve and provide more options, we've taken something that was never easy to begin with and made it more difficult and fraught with pitfalls and opportunities to fail.

To paraphrase my good friend, Pat,

En garde!