18 September, 2011

Who am I?

This might sound like a sudden identity crisis. I don't think it is, and the more I think about it, the more confident I am becoming.
I think it's "crisis" which is holding me up. I don't feel at all like I'm in a crisis. I am very much of the opinion that every moment of every day defines who you are. That's why I try to be a stickler on the little things- that helps me become who I want to be. That brings up my main question tonight: Is who I am determined by what I do, who I want to be, or who I want to want to be? Confused? Let me explain.
As I started out saying, I've always felt like it's the actions I choose to perform which define who I am.

I go to school and pay attention in class. That means I'm a good student.


I get up and dance when there's music playing at a reception. That means I am a dancer.

I sit up late at night talking with a friend who needs an ear. That means I am a friend.
Is that really who I am though? Is who I am determined more by my actual wants, than just what I am doing outwardly?

There's the thought that I really am only going to school because I'd like to get a good-paying, steady career someday (hopefully soon!) and that requires successful studies. I'm not necessarily a good student, that's just a byproduct of who I really am. I'm really just all about the worldly climb.


I love when there are people around to watch me dance. That means I really am just vain and fairly self-absorbed.

As much as I love my friend, I find myself zoning out at times and thinking about all of the things that I still wanted/needed to get done before I go to bed. That means I really just am superficial.

Part of me contends that superior to that are my ultimate desires.

Yes, right now I'm focused on doing the things that will give me a chance to be successful professionally, but I really am doing that because of what I really want. Deep down, one of my greatest desires is to have a family. A nice, big, stable, Mormon family. I want to be able to give my kids the kind of secure and unlimited foundation that I feel like I had growing up.


I love the fact that, with a little bit of training (and a very patient partner) even a person as clumsy and uncoordinated as me can begin to learn to move with grace and style. It makes me so happy when I hear that someone decided they want to dance more after seeing me dance. What a beautiful gift we were given when our bodies were created!

When I do get to sit down and talk with a friend for hours, I do that because I want to be there. I want to show that no one has to go through problems alone. I know that God is always there for me, even when my problems are, well, boring. That is what motivates me to stay and listen: I want to want to be like Him. If you were to listen in to the director's commentary of my mind during the conversation, you'd see how far I am from that goal, but that is still the motivation for me.
So who am I? Hopefully this didn't confuse too much. I feel like I somehow am an awkwardly put together mixture of all of the above.

I am a beautiful mess.
I am a world of contradiction.

I am baskets full of good intentions.

I am occasionally an accidental angel.

I am a child of God. He loves me, and knows what I can be. I wish we could all be a bit more forgiving when someone does something we don't like, because is only the tip of the iceberg to who they actually are. I'm going to do what I can, pay attention to what I want, and keep striving to want to want to be like Him.
That's who I am. Who are you?

1 comment:

  1. Matt, I LOVE your writing. It's clear and insightful and so often captures thoughts that have echoed around in my brain which I've been unable to verbalize.

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