Who am I?

This might sound like a sudden identity crisis. I don't think it is, and the more I think about it, the more confident I am becoming.
I think it's "crisis" which is holding me up. I don't feel at all like I'm in a crisis. I am very much of the opinion that every moment of every day defines who you are. That's why I try to be a stickler on the little things- that helps me become who I want to be. That brings up my main question tonight: Is who I am determined by what I do, who I want to be, or who I want to want to be? Confused? Let me explain.
As I started out saying, I've always felt like it's the actions I choose to perform which define who I am.

I go to school and pay attention in class. That means I'm a good student.

I get up and dance when there's music playing at a reception. That means I am a dancer.
I sit up late at night talking with a friend who needs an ear. That means I am a friend.
Is that really who I am though? Is who I am determined more by my actual wants, than just what I am doing outwardly?

There's the thought that I really am only going to school because I'd like to get a good-paying, steady career someday (hopefully soon!) and that requires successful studies. I'm not necessarily a good student, that's just a byproduct of who I really am. I'm really just all about the worldly climb.

I love when there are people around to watch me dance. That means I really am just vain and fairly self-absorbed.
As much as I love my friend, I find myself zoning out at times and thinking about all of the things that I still wanted/needed to get done before I go to bed. That means I really just am superficial.

Part of me contends that superior to that are my ultimate desires.

Yes, right now I'm focused on doing the things that will give me a chance to be successful professionally, but I really am doing that because of what I really want. Deep down, one of my greatest desires is to have a family. A nice, big, stable, Mormon family. I want to be able to give my kids the kind of secure and unlimited foundation that I feel like I had growing up.

I love the fact that, with a little bit of training (and a very patient partner) even a person as clumsy and uncoordinated as me can begin to learn to move with grace and style. It makes me so happy when I hear that someone decided they want to dance more after seeing me dance. What a beautiful gift we were given when our bodies were created!
When I do get to sit down and talk with a friend for hours, I do that because I want to be there. I want to show that no one has to go through problems alone. I know that God is always there for me, even when my problems are, well, boring. That is what motivates me to stay and listen: I want to want to be like Him. If you were to listen in to the director's commentary of my mind during the conversation, you'd see how far I am from that goal, but that is still the motivation for me.
So who am I? Hopefully this didn't confuse too much. I feel like I somehow am an awkwardly put together mixture of all of the above.

I am a beautiful mess.
I am a world of contradiction.

I am baskets full of good intentions.

I am occasionally an accidental angel.

I am a child of God. He loves me, and knows what I can be. I wish we could all be a bit more forgiving when someone does something we don't like, because is only the tip of the iceberg to who they actually are. I'm going to do what I can, pay attention to what I want, and keep striving to want to want to be like Him.
That's who I am. Who are you?

The Lonely Paren

I have always loved including parenthetical asides in my writing (although I read that the overuse of parentheses is a sign of bad writing) and I take great pleasure (probably too much!) in the layering of parentheses. Before there was “Inception”, I was placing a parenthetical remark within a parenthetical mark (there is just something beautiful about the way it works when done right [though it has to be done spontaneously- any effort to purposefully layer parenthetical marks is pretty obvious {like this one!} and so it doesn't happen very often]).
Why, after months of not writing anything (almost exactly a year!!) do I decide to pontificate on the parenthesis? Well, I have several blogging friends who are very inspiring at what they do (in fact, I believe the love of blogging was one of the things which brought them together as friends), so I have been meaning to dust off the blog and jump in as well. Catching up on blogs tonight gave me that motivation, and then one of my friends posted a link to a site titled “Parenthesized”. Odd name, but somehow that was enough to get the gears turning in my head. I'm pretty happy with where this somewhat unorthodox train of thought took me (“You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away...”), so I thought I would share tonight.
First, my Wiki-research: Apparently “parens” is only an informal shortening of parentheses (the plural of parenthesis- referring to just one). I'd always though a paren was the official term for it. “Humph” I thought to myself (those are often the precursors to my deepest and most profound thoughts- a simple “humph”), “you learn something new every day”. But that was just the start, the metaphorical train had barely left the station (“You know where you hope this train will take you, but you can't know for sure”).
What if I was a paren? My rogue mind (I typed rouge at first and had to stare at it for a good 5 seconds before deciding that “rogue” was what I wanted) went straight to relationships, and I found that I really liked the analogy that came from that. What if I was a paren? Parentheses are supposed to come in pairs. It would drive me crazy if someone were to open a parenthetical statement and never close it (can you image the nerve of such an individual!?


I'm sorry. I had to do that just once to make the point. “It is not good that the man should be alone” sounds to me pretty much like the same philosophy. That's what it often feels like to me, that I'm opening a parenthetical aside, and I'm going to need someone to complete it for me. This analogy really seems to fit for me because I feel like that's the role I fit best in: Just as the parenthetical information is generally not the main focus of the sentence, I feel at home working behind the scenes for most endeavors seeking to clear things up and make sure that everything is working well.
Well, that certainly makes it sound easy right? All I've got to do is slap a paren on the other end, and things are good! The problem is that there are all sorts of different endings, and while the message would get across if I were to mix and match (the human mind is great at filling in what it needs to>, it just doesn't fit quite right. So you try again (and again] (“But it doesn't matter. Now tell me why!”) “Well,” I thought to myself, “That was quite a fun ride this evening. I do love traveling by train.” But I wasn't done yet (Long car drives home from Sunday dinners at my parents' place give me plenty of time to think)! I had the thought then “So, what good is a lonely paren?” I mean, if a paren isn't crafting that witty, powerful parenthesis, what is it doing?

:)

That's what.
I may be a lonely paren, but until that parenthesis comes around helping me finish the mess I've started, I'm going to put my curve of a smile to good use. There's a lot of good that one smile can do, as I've been reminded of as of late. By golly, I'm going to smile.
One last ponderifaction, and I'm done (if you've read all this, bravo! I've really been on a ramble tonight). There is only one slight difference between a smile and a frown when you're making an emoticon. Though there are many different ways to do both, :) and ): seem to work well for me. “Yeah... what's the big deal with that?” you ask. Well, when you're a lonely paren, what's the difference between a smile and a frown? It's all about where you've got your eyes. You keep your eyes up, focused on the goal, and the curve of your lonely paren becomes that powerful smile. Let your eyes drop down, get discouraged, and suddenly, you're an emaciated frown. I've chosen to set my sights on my Savior, Jesus Christ, and that keeps my head up and my smile sincere.

Putting it together:
“You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away.
You know where you hope this train will take you, but you can't know for sure.
But it doesn't matter. Now tell me why!”

For me, the lonely paren, this rambling post is my answer why.